17 Apr The Other Pandemic: Loneliness

I’m glad I live in New Orleans. Here we have always appreciated the importance of family and social connections. I love socializing and most people here do as well.

We’re most well-known for Carnival, the weeks-long celebration culminating in Mardi Gras day. That’s when socializing happens in full force. I go to parades, parties, and balls. And I’m not the only one. We have thousands of visitors to our city joining us as well. That’s a lot of togetherness. Which is good and bad. All the visitors for carnival likely made us a hotspot for the virus. But most of us here value our family and friends. I do. Which is a good thing because loneliness is deadly.

And loneliness is pandemic right now. Even before we were isolated and quarantined, more than one in four Americans lived alone, more than half were unmarried, and marriage rates and the number of children per household were declining, according to Webmd. Many people work long hours to the neglect of a social life, extended families live continents away from each other, and virtual friends substitute for real friends. And many of us just plain put less value on the benefits of socialization.

Just like from the virus, we are in real danger from a lonely lifestyle.

Loneliness is dangerous too

Isolation is a risk factor for disease. Elderly people who are isolated are at greater risk for dying. Actually all isolated and lonely people are at greater risk for ill health and worse outcomes when they do get sick. Loneliness increases susceptibility to infection. Isolation can be as deadly as smoking, obesity, and high blood pressure. Additionally, studies show people with partners live longer, healthier lives. People with pets too can live even longer, which is why I’m still thinking about getting a dog. So, social connections support health and lack thereof impairs health.

Humans are social beings. I like to think about our ancestors. Without a community, through most of our evolution, a person would die. A single person could not obtain shelter, food, water, clothing, and protection all by himself. Think how being shunned or rejected can hurt you to the core. You instinctively know that if you’re isolated from your group, you would be in danger. People need people. I need people, and you do, too.

So social distancing is creating a huge conflict. We need to maintain our connections if we want to be healthy, but we have to isolate ourselves to be healthy. It feels like a punishment to isolate, and indeed isolation is used as punishment in prisons.

What you can do

First thing I would suggest is to not participate in “othering”. That means you look at a person and think of that person as not a part of your group–they are the “others”, not one of “us”. This is how people have treated people of different races for generations. The different skin color makes them an “other”, not one of “us”. This is certainly unacceptable, most people would agree. But are you doing it to others now?

You could be falling into the trap of looking down on anyone who is different from you–an “other”.  You might want to think of someone as a “cov-idiot” for not handling distancing the same way you do.

If you see someone trying to maintain some normalcy or obtain needed supplies, you might feel like shaming them for not wearing a mask, or for wearing a mask, or the wrong kind of mask, or for no gloves, or for having a poor sense of what 6’ looks like in a store aisle. Our guidelines change often and not all seem to make sense. Maybe you can look at the “other” person as someone who’s trying to do what they can in a confusing time. That person is like you and me, trying to manage through the difficulties.

Find what connects you to others, not what separates you.

Another thing that might help relieve your isolation or loneliness is to reach out as best you can. I’m sure you’re familiar with all the types of technology available–video chats and texts, for instance. And plain old fashioned phone calls. I love seeing people get creative and having conversations from across streets or balconies. My family even managed to Facetime my 94 year old mother-in-law, the first time she had ever used a phone that way. Relationships are fueled by contact, so it’s good to make (safe) contact and maintain relationships. You can’t wait till this is all over–it’s necessary now for your well-being.

Health coaching for social support

As a health coach, I like to explore a client’s support system. I like to know if they have the social support needed for a healthy lifestyle. If the client wants to improve their connections, I have plenty of ideas to share so that the client can find something that resonates, that they may want to try. We talk about these things because as a health coach, I know how essential social connections are to my client’s health.

So if you need support in these trying times, contact me. Don’t succumb to the other pandemic. Health involves your entire being, including your attitudes, emotions, and connections. I can be your ally. And we can all use a friend right now. And I work safely through Zoom or phone calls.

Comments: How are you handling connections in spite of distancing?

Webmd: Loneliness epidemic

Green Med Info: Social isolation and mortality

Psychology Today: Othering

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