16 May When to Say No, and When to Say Yes

Whenever people talk about stress management, they advise you to learn to say no. But what are you supposed to say no to?

So many times the advice reads as just be selfish, and don’t worry about what other people want from you. But being selfish is not the road to stress management and a happy, healthy life. Those who give are usually the happiest and most satisfied people, as in, it’s in giving that we receive.

And whenever you say no, you can expect consequences, as indeed all actions have consequences. For example, if you say no to an invitation, maybe you won’t get invited again. So saying no is not that simple. Instead of relieving stress, you could even be creating it.

So to make decisions about what you let in your life and what you remove, there are some tools you can use. They let you look at your life and help you decide where you should put your yes’s and no’s.

First, you can try the Wheel of Life. Consider your life like a big apple pie. Every slice is an aspect of your life. The slices represent: friends, health, career, love, spirituality, family, money, and fun. You decide whether each slice is whole, all the way to the edge of the Wheel, or shorter, because that area of your life doesn’t receive your full attention. If your Wheel is smooth, and could “roll” as if it were a real wheel, then you have a completely balanced life, and you are the exception. Really, who has a totally balanced life. The point is you can see what areas of your life are neglected and what needs attention. For example, here’s someone’s Wheel:

Another tool to try is Square One. Think of your life as a square, with each side representing body, brain, heart, and soul. Maybe you like this geometric shape better than the wheel–I like its simplicity. It can be easier to think of just four areas. Your body represents your health, as in the food you eat and the exercise you do. Your brain is your work, as that consumes much of your intelligence. Your heart means your relationships, such as family, friends, and co-workers. The soul represents your spirituality. This allows you, for example, to see that you spend way more of your time on work (brain) and too little time on spirituality.

You can use a Value Sort to help you decide what is most important in your life. Values are printed on cards (or online), and you sort them in order of importance to you. You probably do what you do because it’s important to you, but this lets you evaluate what activities are deserving of your time. For example, are relationships very important to you, but you spend little time nurturing your friendships? This allows you to look at your life and make adjustments.

Maslow’s Hierarchy is a ranking of a person’s needs. He created a triangle (is that better than a circle or a square?) The most basic needs are physical, as in food, water, air. After those needs are met, a person will look to meet their needs to be safe. Above that need is belongingness and love, which people will seek once they have food, water, and safety. People who feel love and that they belong will seek appreciation and self-esteem. And the top of the triangle is self-actualization, which means living their life’s purpose or achieving their potential. This hierarchy can help you look at how you balance your needs and how you spend your time.

The problem with planning your yes’s and no’s is that everything matters and there’s only so much of your energy and time. And time spent is not equal to importance in every case. I spend hours on housework, which is certainly not what I consider fulfilling to my life’s purpose, but a functional home is a priority for me. And relationships are important, but if you party all the time, you won’t get work done.

So how do you apply all this to your life? I can help you with that as I am a National Board Certified Functional Medicine Health Coach. I will listen to you and help you sort out what’s important. We’ll figure out what’s draining your time or wasting your time. We’ll look for time management tips and tricks that work for you. Feeling a purpose in life and living your purpose is important to your health. Let’s talk (intro phone calls are free) and we’ll find ways to relieve stress and get your life balanced. Contact me.

In the Comments, tell how you figure out your yes’s and no’s.

This article is for information purposes only. See Disclaimer below.